A Small Problem

Usually, I'm a little more chipper than I am right now, but there's a lot weighing on my mind right now, and I'm not sure where to start. I think it really goes back to some point last night, but the realization that I had a problem came this morning, when I woke up quite hung over. It was mostly my stomach that was bothering me, and the minor headache, but I didn't remember a damn thing about the night before. Apparently I was on a bender of some sort, but it was the really good kind that only appears in your head as a series of interestingly-colored clouds and the memory of singing. I'm sure you've had nights like this. At any rate, so I didn't really feel my best when I woke up, but it was when I crawled out of bed that I realized how very odd the previous night must have been.

It appears that I have turned into a giant-sized, bizarre amalgam of human and insect. When I figured this out, it sort of jogged my memory a bit - I remember some kind of experiment last night, and a certain amount of Southern Comfort. It's sort of a blur, but clearly something off-kilter happened.

So this has put something of a damnper on my day. As yet, my girlfriend does not know about it. I was going to call her, but my speech comes out as a sort of clicking buzzing sound which I'm pretty sure isn't intelligible to other people. As the phone's out, I've been relying heavily on email today. One of my first instincts was to dig up a copy of Kafka's Metamorphosis to see how he handled it, but I can't really go out to the bookstore. I think I might order it online, although I also hear it's got a fairly depressing ending, so probably not. It's also a bitch eating, because my hands are now giant, mantis-like claws incapable of delicate manipulation, making it impossible to prepare food, and anyway all I really feel like eating is leaves and sugar. Additionally, my antennae seem to be brushing against the ceiling and breaking light bulbs and such. Speaking of the ceiling, it looks like ass now, as I have been trying to crawl upon it as I've seen many insects do in the past, only to have chunks of it get ripped out due to my tremendous weight, and I usually come crashing to the floor.

So, thus far, I have to say that I don't really think much of this "giant mutated insect man" business. As if to add insult to injury, the only part of my body that was not subject to mutation in some way is one of my feet, which is at the end of one of my many insect legs. It looks fairly goofy, all pink and smallish there. But, since it's all I have left of my former humanity, I am taking good care of it, even going so far as to attempt to give myself a pedicure. All things considered, it came out fairly well. Anyway, I thought I'd give you a little heads-up on why I'm feeling a little out-of-sorts at the moment. Now I am going to go stare at some candles. Bye!