A Deep, Personal Speech

While I try fairly often to keep the tone of 665 light and entertaining, sometimes, such as now, I will be moved in some way and feel like I almost have a duty to share some revealing facet of my personal life with you, the reader. And I know that this isn't necessarily easy for either of us, but sometimes these things need to be talked about, they need to be shared. I won't lie; this is mostly for my own benefit. It's something I've needed to talk about for some time now, and what better audience than you, the people who read my thoughts, hopes and dreams? So I'd like to talk about this, and if it makes you uncomfortable, you can leave. I won't hold it against you, I promise.

I think the cause for my pensiveness has been the fact that for some reason a Fundamentalist group, whoever they may be, have felt the need to run a string of ads, sometimes full-page, in my local newspaper. In them, a series of happy, wholesome-looking people write about how they used to be living a wicked, evil, homosexual lifestyle; and how, with the help of their church and loved ones, they were "cured." They no longer felt the need for sodomy, they now loved the opposite gender, and they lived peaceful, content lives. In short, their whole lives changed because they found Jesus. And this, I must confess, struck a deep chord with me.

You see...I have had a similar experience.

You can probably imagine why it is I've never told anyone about this. The circles in which I move, socially, are fairly liberal and not intensely religious, and would probably laugh at me if they were told of the experience that changed my life, and the landscape of my perceptions, forever.

Long ago, I was living a life of sin, of vice, of, well, wickedry. I did not know how sinful I was being, because one never does. Though I thought I would never have to pay for my crimes, this was just not the case, and I only now realize how lucky I am to have a chance at escaping eternal damnation. Yes, I was a wicked man, a man who ran with demons and immorality.

And then I found Jesus.

Specifically, I found Jesus at a rest stop on I-95 running through a town just west of Boston. I probably should have recognized him by the stigmata and halo, but you know how these things are. I suppose I just figured he was a goth who was being extremely ironic or something, I don't know. Nevertheless, there he was, washing his face in the mirror and looking expectant about something. I didn't, at the time, understand the casual gleam in his eye - but I would. Oh how I would.

He turned to me, his face peaceful and serene, and said, "Yea, my child. I would that you cometh unto me, and hear my words, for I bring a message of love, and of salvation." Then it hit me who, exactly, I was talking to, and I was speechless. He outstretched his arms. My legs shaking, I walked into his holy embrace.

It was then that the Son of Man planted a strong, rugged kiss on me, nailing me to the spot with his probing tongue and manly, forceful lips. I was terrified, but also a little excited. Although I could certainly go into the events of the rest of the night, I should probably spare you the details. Let's just say that the Messiah is a fucking stallion, and that there really is nothing that can compare to hot gay sex with a mythological icon.

This event changed me to no small extent - for the better, I think. The cops showed up and we had to part ways, but not before I was converted, firsthand, by the Savior himself. Since then, I have renounced the filthy heterosexual lifestyle and hope to encourage others to do the same. It will only lead you to the flames of Hell itself, and additionally tends to make you a better dancer. I realize that this country still has many pits of immorality, and that there are those who would call me a "heterophobe," but I know that my cause is just and good, and that I will be granted admission to the Kingdom of Heaven when I die, which, if it's really Heaven, will probably look a lot like a biker bar.

Thank you for listening.