Ways to Die

(Arranged from most preferable to least.)

• Frowning mournfully over the death of my stunt double as porn star Nina Marachino massages my shoulders and freshens up my drink

• Finally suffocating under writhing, sweaty pile of harem girls

• As my vital fluids leak out of numerous wounds and bulletholes, sensing my time draws short, summoning up the last of my strength to cackle madly and press, with a satisfying click, the button on my cane that begins the irreversible missile launching sequence, and savoring the horrified look on the heroes' faces as everything fades to black

• Peacefully and at the end of a long and fulfilling life, reflecting on my accomplishments and those of my progeny and at last, in the arms of the woman I've loved all along, slipping into eternity together

• Discovering I've only got two weeks to live, deciding that it was just about my time anyway, going skydiving and intentionally not pulling the cord, going "Wheeeeeeeeee!" all the way down

• Heroically jumping onto grenade to save others (including school bus full of orphans), statue erected in my honor

• While out strolling with woman I've secretly been in love with all my life and her sniveling fruit of a husband, attacked by mugger, pushing her out of the way and taking bullet, dispatching mugger and then collapsing in a heap, she rushes to my side, drawing last few breaths as I confess to her "I've always loved you," being told she has always felt same, cramming an entire lifetime of secreted adoration into one passionate kiss goodbye, dying in her arms smiling and secure in the confidence that not only have I been immortalized in her mind but also completely ruined her marriage to the guy who not only didn't lift a finger to help her but who also will now always look like a knock-kneed homo compared to me

• Any set of circumstances leading to the dying thought that, all things considered, it all could have been a lot worse

• Any set of circumstances leading to the dying thought that, all things considered, it all probably could have been worse

• Struck down in my prime by a hail of bullets, a victim of the East coast/West coast humor website wars

• Series of safety measures fail on chandelier during grand ball, crushed under it as it falls

• While attending performance of Phantom of the Opera, series of safety measures fail on prop chandelier, crushed under it as it falls, death seen as morbidly humorous by press and country

• Plane breaks up in violent storm over Pacific, barely manage to escape wreckage, head breaks the surface of the churning waters, gratefully take deep breath of air, then angrily devoured by group of sharks I'd not noticed

• Discovering I've only got about two weeks to live, deciding it was just about my time anyway, going skydiving and intentionally not pulling the cord, going "Wheeee!" all the way down but then surviving the fall, winding up on life support in body cast, being told I was misdiagnosed and in fact had a clean bill of health, deciding maybe life is worth living after all, then fuses blow and life support machine power cuts out, dying in the dark in a body cast

• Preparing for big date with hot girl, spontaneously detonating while trying on shirts, splattering everyone and everything in vicinity with bits of me

• Discovering the hard way that I am instantly and fatally allergic to the genitals of natural blondes

• "Psh, are you fucking kidding? I know these guys, they're horrible shots. They couldn't hit the Goodyear Blimp at this dist--"

• Waiting by the phone with beads of sweat on my forehead and the barrel of a .357 Python in my mouth, hearing the phone ring, letting the machine pick up, pulling the trigger after the doctor solemnly breaks the news that yes, it is cancer but before he continues and says that not only is it operable and not only do they expect a full recovery but it appears to be a type of tumor that is extremely rare and if I will consent to allow it to be used for research and sign a few papers, I can expect an easy couple million dollars at the least

• Plummeting into vat of hydrochloric acid as my stunt double frowns mournfully and porn star Nina Marachino massages his shoulders and freshens up his drink