The Internet is a wonderful thing. In many ways it drives people apart due to clashing ideologies, but in many ways, in more ways, it brings us together. When I first began working in IT, I found that I had a lot of free time which would need to be spent somehow, and I have done a lot of browsing on the Web and found some truly strange concepts. One of these has struck a chord, and I'd like to tell you about it.

There is a thriving community online of people, mostly teenagers, who believe that they were mythological creatures (dragons, elves, fairies, gryphons, and the like) in past lives. Some have made maps of the world they feel they came from; a world much unlike our own (and completely implausible to anyone who knows anything about the makeup of a planet, or astronomy, but WHATEVER). Some of them even claim to have been creatures that were invented fairly recently; specifically, things that did not exist until they were thought up by the people who make Dungeons and Dragons. This should dissuade no one, however, because they say it's true, so it has to be, because why would fruity teenagers on the Internet who are obsessed with schlock fantasy tell lies?

They wouldn't at all. And as I read these heart-rending accounts of "awakening" to the years before one's current life, I felt some great weight lifting off me, and at the same time, a feeling not unlike many puzzle pieces combining for the first time in I don't even know how long. Tears came to my eyes as, hunched over my computer desk, I felt whole. I felt real. And I knew what had been missing - it was under my nose all along.

I remember it all so vividly now; the feel of the warm wind against my cold steel skin, the sound of my badass ninja blade ripping through human heads, the taste of Colt .45 Malt Liquor that I would drink in my ninja base to celebrate my victories. I was a magic robot ninja so I could drink Colt .45 without actually rusting. And as I recalled all this, I yearned to be there once again. I cannot tell you how much I miss being able to launch laser beams of pure red death out of my robot eyes. Or the ability to fly with the robo-jets in my feet. I miss it. But I will be there again one day. Not sure how. But I will.

To the right you see me as I once appeared. A lot of my hidden features are not readily apparent; but that is why they are hidden. For one thing, I can launch missiles out of my feet, and my arms and chest open up to reveal Browning machine guns which I use to pelt unfortunate opponents with white-hot bullets. I have many other features, but we may one day meet on the field of combat and if that happens I do not want you to know all my secrets. Suffice it to say that I have loads of spikes and missiles and lasers and swords and knives and guns and all kinds of crazy shit like that, all of which would be used to blow your shit up. I blend into the shadows too because I can turn invisible. Also: My headband is way awesome.

So now it falls to me to reclaim what was once mine. I have taken to wearing a headband, and now when I go clubbing, I only do the robot. One day, I will again walk the land that was my home, and I will do all kinds of crazy robo-backflips and fuck shit up with my kung fu. My robo kung fu. Which by the way is even more badass than normal kung fu because I can take my head off and club you in the face with it.