Workplace/Girlfriend's Garter Belt

I am at work at the moment. This is an interesting place, honestly; I usually don't like my job, but this job I am okay with. Working tech support gets annoying, yes, but they slide us free pizza on Wednesdays. It's a good life. As I type this I am sitting next to my rucksack, which contains, among other things, my girlfriend's garter belt, and one stocking, off-black. She left them at my house, and I am returning them to her. It's definitely a good life. Yesterday whilst I was sitting here getting paid to do nothing, there was some shouting upstairs, and a certain amount of crashing, then silence. I neither investigated nor asked. Anyway, with all that said, I have nothing really entertaining to write about today. So instead, here are some samples from the help logs at work: When someone calls us for help we make a note of what was done. These are notes I've written for some of the more entertaining calls:

He didn’t really know what the bleeding hell he was talking about, and he was so close to stone effing deaf as makes no damn difference. Eventually I realized that the problem was internal. That should be it.

Couldn’t save password. Complete mental case. Flee in terror.

Fixed it after ANOTHER 15 MINUTES ON THE PHONE This woman is completely clueless about bloody everything, I’m amazed she’s still alive.

This woman is massively stupid, I’m really amazed she owns a computer, one would think that a credit card has too many moving parts for her. She basically told me that she didn’t know a damn thing about the computer, I think she deleted the My Computer icon, and she...come to think of it I’m still not sure what the hell she was even asking me. It had nothing to do with the credit card, of that much I’m sure. I told her she needed to reinstall a few basic things before we could even help her and to possibly call Microsoft, and at the mention of Microsoft she became confused and disoriented like I’d just asked her to call Mao Tse-Tung. Then she said she’d have somebody do it for her. The sad part is that she actually sounded fairly young.

In her own words: “I want to cancel because my computer blows.” Simple enough.

I was on the phone with her for over 75 minutes. Why, you ask? Because she was drunk at the outset of the conversation and got drunker as it progressed. It didn’t help that it sounded like she was talking with a sock in her nose anyway. It was a bleeding NIGHTMARE. She was cheerful though, I’ll give her that. Had to trash her connection and make a new one. From that point on she was too drunk to really follow directions...

Password change. This is one of the most bizarre calls I have ever taken. Apparently her grandson has been looking at porn sites, and, from what studies have shown, that can damage young minds and destroy them sexually. Also, the talk shows prove that porn is why a lot of men aren’t good husbands or fathers. I have no idea what this has to do with changing her password, but she felt the need to tell me all this. I swear to God I am not making this up. -J

Action Taken: Sent out the software. In addition, he also said, “I’m older than I sound, and so is my wife, and if I die before she does, she will not have any idea how to use this internet.” I swear to God, he actually said this. I’m going to go somewhere and shudder for a while.

Rerun Card. New cc. He said he called last night with the new card. I asked him what time he called, and he said, "A couple weeks ago." I asked him, "You called last night a couple of weeks ago?" And he said, "Yes."

Walked through setup for new connectoid. He’s so dumb it should be illegal. A bloody moron. I want him to die. Die die die. I want him dead. Please God, kill him.

Reason Customer Called: No data.
Action Taken: I’m not sold on the notion that he is getting no data. I think he’s just a raving idiot. I checked everything and it was fine, made a new connection (again), probably won’t work because he’s too stupid to own a computer.
Me: Do you have Internet Explorer?
Him: No.
Me: Try maybe reinstalling Netscape.
Him: I don’t have Internet Explorer.
Me: No. Netscape. Reinstall Netscape.
Him: No, I don’t have Internet Explorer.
Me: No, NETSCAPE. You need to reinstall not Internet Explorer but Netscape.
Him: I don’t have Internet Explorer I tell you.
Me: (smashes head on desk)

This woman is impossible to deal with. Absolutely impossible. She makes no sense at any time, keeps asking questions, changes the questions themselves, doesn’t understand the questions, and intentionally acts difficult. If this woman calls back, I do not exist, and would not be in the building even if I did.

Enabled DN bloody S. Whenever she didn’t bloody understand me she would go “AAAAAH?” quite bloody loudly, which was quite bloody often because she barely speaks a bloody word of bloody English.

User signed up online for an email address with some other email company. His email contained the numerals 666 and ever since then, his mother has died, his father has had a heart attack and his son has been in a car crash. He would like to know how to change this. I told him that he needed to get in touch with the website. I swear to God, I am not making this up.