About Me (Ovenfucker Feinberg)

Some of you may have noticed there was no update yesterday - there was a reason for this. You see, I had some computer trouble the other day, namely that my hard drive died on me. Admittedly, this was probably my fault, as I had gotten some parts on the cheap and it turned out that the place I had bought the initial hard drive from was in the habit of selling used parts without telling its customers. So no more buying from them, and I went out and got a new hard drive. Hooray for that, but as tends to be the case, there were complications, and as such I was not able to update this site last night. All should be well, up and running, by tonight though. Hopefully.

In the meantime, I am hard at work on my home computer and consequently, have little time for other things. Since I'm proactive like that, I figured that now would be a good time to look into some labor-saving devices, something that would free me up to restore my computer to what it was. Well, as I am not exactly rich but still more or less solvent, I couldn't very well hire a butler or anything along those lines. So I decided I should go and get a golem.

You'd be surprised, honestly, how easy it was. I'm not sure where the idea had come to me initially, but I imagine it had something to do with the fact that Brookline, which is more or less adjacent to the town I live in, is a largely Jewish community, and maybe I was walking past one of the shops or delis or something, but somewhere in there, the idea hit me. The real trick to it would be, I thought, finding the appropriate place to begin learning how to build one, but as it turned out there's a place right up the street called GOLEM WORLD which I guess I never noticed before. I went in and was waited on by some very nice, polite and understanding people - I would recommend Golem World to anyone who is interested in building a large clay humanoid. They set me up with one of their more cost-effective packages, gave me the instructions, and I was on my way.

So last night, I unpacked the kit which turned out to be just some paper and instructions, things like that. The first hurdle, I could tell, would be the first thing in the ingredients list, which was "A FUCKLOAD OF CLAY." Maybe in the olden days, a giant pile of clay was easier to come by, but not anymore, and I could tell this was going to be a problem. Eventually, I ran off to the pharmacy nearby which has a little arts and crafts section, and I bought all the modeling clay I could find. I mean, the ingredients didn't say anything about using Plasticine, so I figured I'd be in the good. This may or may not have been a mistake, I'm not really so sure. Either way, the total amount of clay bought wound up being only enough to make the golem's forearm and hand. Despairing slightly, I returned to Golem World where they were nice enough to give me a good deal on the remaining amount of clay I would need. I managed to lug the pile home and finally finished my creation, who looked pretty authentic except for his rainbow-colored right hand. But hey, what the hell.

I guess it's supposed to be something of a trade secret, the process of transforming a man-shaped pile of clay into a walking man-thing servant, so I probably shouldn't go into it here. I will say, though, that you'll be wanting to do it in a well-ventilated area. At any rate, it was done, and I probably cut a few more corners than I really should have - for one thing, there's a bit of paper you're supposed to write things on and put in their head but, as you might know, I do not know a damn word of Hebrew, so this was an obstacle. I guess I kind of improvised a little, I mean they provided some sample things to write and I don't know that I got them all exactly perfect.

At first I figured nothing was wrong, I mean he was a little lopsided in his gait sometimes but he seemed perfectly functional. The next step was to give him a name, and that proved difficult. Since I wanted my golem to be proud of his Jewish heritage, I knew he would need a Jewish-sounding last name, and I was sort of pondering this when suddenly there was a crash in the kitchen. I rushed in, just in time to see that my golem had knocked some glasses over and was now in the process of trying to have sex with my oven.

This threw me for a loop for numerous reasons, not the least of which was that I had not made him anatomically correct but it seemed that in the time I was lost in thought regarding what to name him, he had grabbed some of the extra clay and built himself a fairly sizable penis. Inasmuch as I got to look at it, I also noticed that it was circumcised, which I suppose makes sense. Mostly I just sort of stood there, though, and watched him make clumsy attempts at coupling with my goddamn oven. I wasn't really sure if it was possible for him to climax and I didn't see any testicles but either way, I snapped to my senses and yelled at him to stop fucking my oven and do as he was told. Which he did, for a bit, but kept furtively making longing glances at my now-dented oven.

At the very least, I decided that he now would have a name, since nothing else came to mind. I named my golem Ovenfucker Feinberg, which more or less met the requirements I had laid out in my own head. To be honest, I had really been hoping that he would have saved me lots of work and maybe we could have had some life-affirming adventures in which he not only learns how to be human but teaches me a thing or two in the process. This, however, is not the case, because while he does do odd jobs around the house, he is very bad at them, often breaks things, and starts having sex with my oven whenever I am not looking.

So if you, or anyone you know, has any use whatsoever for a large clay man that seems to be obsessed with fucking ovens, let me know. I would be more than happy to have Ovenfucker taken off my hands. If you do, I suggest you maybe keep around an oven you haven't much use for. Because, uh. He fucks ovens.

And I still haven't fixed my goddamn computer.