Personal Ads, Continued: I Don't Fucking Believe This

Some time ago, as you may recall, I put out a personal ad as a 19-year-old Asian girl who has the unfortunate afflictions of both herpes and hemophilia. The results were comical, but I stopped getting mail and then the account expired, so I sort of figured the fun was over. I was wrong. For whatever reason, Matchmaker gave me a little more time on the account, and when I checked in to see what was up, I discovered that I'd gotten mail in my absence, and it was probably some of the most frightening mail I'd ever gotten. So without further ado, and with the appropriate notes, here I present the mail I got, in the sequel to the Angel feature. Bear in mind, I am not making any of this up.

The first one comes from "Andrew771," and is of note because it's full of page breaks (which I got rid of) and because, well...his picture accompanies it.

FROM: Andrew771. You are a delightful Tease and incredibly sexy, to me:-) perhaps it is because our B'days both fall on the 13th? I don't happen to feel that erotic and sensuality should be in the category of indecent.... The overall feeling of well being, ecstacy, emotion and relief can hardly be thought to be anything but a powerful treat among life's experiences.. Have you ever had an older man drift thru your fantasies or erotic dreams??? If so,, I'd have loved being he:-) Andy in Alaska
Note from JSP: I checked his account info. This man is over sixty. Also looks like Mickey Rooney. HELP

FROM: Lonelyman347
hi there you sound very interesting my kinda lady grawl :=)~ well my name is fred im 26 i live in hyannis ma its on cape cod. i was born in salem ma which explanes my wicked side.hum tied up you know what i say ' sticks and stones break my bones but wipps and chains excite me!!! i have 5 tattoos maybe more soon . well i gotta go. SINcerly FRED

FROM: Skiguy275
you are very sexy

FROM: Otslex857
I just wanted to drop you a note, and let you know that I think you are a pretty cool girl. I like your sense of humor, and think that you are adorable. Check out my profile, and let me know what you think. If you like well-mannered, yet very naughty Italian boys, you will like me........David

FROM: Skiguy275 Note from JSP: Again.
u have great lips u must suck a great cock

FROM: Gold703
Hello Blueangel272, I am Mark. I am a reasonably attractive, athletic, financially independent guy from the Bay Area of California, who is scanning the globe to find his soul-mate. I have worked very hard for much of my life to build financial independence for myself and my family to be. Now I want to spend 1/2 time on my business (hedge fund manager and internet company co-founder) and half of my time traveling the world having fun with the woman of my dreams so that we can make unforgetable memories before settling down and having children. I work-out six days a week for an hour and a half, I own two multi-million dollar homes outright, I have blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, and I look much younger than I am (mid 30's). I am very passionate and intelligent and I want to find a younger, beautiful girl to fall madly in love with and give all my heart to. I am kind, generous, and loyal to a fault. I love to make those that are close to me happy - and I want to find someone who can be very happy. I have a great sense of humor and laugh to make people laugh. I have built the base for an outstanding life. But I need to find my dream-girl and have a family in order to build the wonderful life that I've always dreamed of and worked so hard to help prepare for. I've been to Japan a few times and may go again next year. Are we potentially compatible enough to talk further? -Mark
JSP: I really don't know what I can possibly say here. Oof. A thousand times oof.

FROM: Tryme878
hi you are very beautiful

FROM: Lexington750
Blueangel- Marlene Dietrich destroyed the life of a lust-crazed college professor in the movie Blue Angel - is that an intentional reference? After reading your profile something tells me you have it in you, but would never be so cruel :) I live in LA but visit Boston often, if you like older men, and you like my profile, write me. take care, Bennett

FROM: Pirate547
Herpes and a hemophiliac. Will you marry me?

FROM: Renta649
Hi there My name is Eric, Im 23 a senior at Keene State College in NH. This is my very first time on here and I saw your photo and profile. I like your answers to those relatively dum questions. Im just wrint seeing if you would like to talk. (Here's a little info on me: Im 23 from NY go to college in NH, Love Boston and go there as much as I can, plaing on moving there some time this January or Feb. Love to meet new people even though I am very shy. I have Brown/Black hair, Baby blue/Gray eyes that I think you would like. Im 6ft 200lbs. love the outdoors and doing fun activities. Love to go out on the town at night. I play lacrosse and ski/snowboard alot. Anywas thought that you are very cute looking and very interesting sounding would love to talk more later. feel free to email me any time. My real email is (erickuntz24@hotmail.com) so if you like email me! later Eric

FROM: Oreo778
(smile) Wade
JSP: Uh?

FROM: Cmoreofu498
i liked your profile,.....and i'm looking forward to hearing back from you...:) so what would you like to do on our first date? we'll figure out our second one together..;) hope to hear from you soon, -randall

There was one other, but I need to devote a whole entry to him. Nevertheless, holy shit.