Scene from an Unfinished Movie

(INTERIOR: A video store. JSP is looking over movies. Nearby, a man and a woman (RUSSELL and DEANNA) are discussing movies loudly and obnoxiously as we join the scene. Mostly ad-libbing.)

RUSSELL: Well, when you really get down to it, the later version with Kinski is infinitely better.
DEANNA: Yes. Really the only good silent movie I've ever seen was that, uh, Phantom of the Opera, you know, with Claude Rains.
(JSP looks up, possibly at the camera, and rolls his eyes.)
RUSSELL: True, but I do wish they'd done a more faithful version and all, you know, more like the musical...
(This continues a while. More ad-libbing; they are inane, opinionated, and have serious artsy pretense. They act like snide film students.)
RUSSELL: Oh, Jesus. Blair Witch. The improv in that was awful...I can't believe the masses would swallow this garbage.
(JSP looks up again, into the camera, shaking his head. He addresses the camera, as an aside.)
JSP: I swear to God, if he...
RUSSELL: Probably a good thing they died in the end, though. I don't see much future in a film student who can't keep the camera still!
(The two of them laugh, a tight, restrained, throaty sort of laugh. JSP turns to look at them, then back to the camera.)
JSP: I was going to say that I bet he says something about the shaky camera. Bloody hell, why do they let these people out?
(RUSSELL, now realizing he's being talked about, addresses JSP.)
RUSSELL: Well, maybe you like senseless drivel but I don't. Anyway, it's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.
JSP: Did you eat a book of cliches or something? "It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it?" Did you even see the goddamn movie?
RUSSELL: Of course, and it was terrible. I, unlike you, did not buy into the hype machine.
JSP: Which hype machine would this be? The indie theatre where I saw it before national release? Or perhaps you're referring to the hype machine of drones like you who have the same handful of complaints about the fucking thing? In fact, I'll bet you a donut you didn't even notice the shaky cameras until one of your palsied-wristed coffeehouse pals pointed it out to you.
RUSSELL: Ha! And what qualifies you to say anything at all? I saw you looking at those Jackie Chan movies!
JSP: You just answered your own question, now didn't you? I'm sorry that your myopic view of your own cock, I mean cinema in general, doesn't allow you to give any credit to movies where people hit each other unless you can check with nine other people to make sure it's okay to like it.
RUSSELL: Fool! I know quality action when I see it. Seven Samurai was a work of genius.
JSP: Have you ever even seen Seven Samurai?
RUSSELL: I was going to rent it.
JSP: Yeah, I thought so. Going to rent the Claude Rains silent version of Phantom next, are you?
RUSSELL: Now that you mention it, I should.
JSP: Oh, for God's sake. The silent film has Lon goddamn Chaney Junior in it. And it's about eight million times better than the Claude Rains one. I'm getting the impression that you're one of those milk-fed fruitcakes who only likes silent films he's told to.
RUSSELL: You wish. I happen to love Chaplin, and I don't call that very trendy.
JSP: Yeah? What was the last Chaplin film you saw?
RUSSELL: The one where he eats his shoe.
JSP: You've never even seen that one either, have you? Christ on a trike, you fucking ingrate, have you ever had an original thought in your life? It's people like you, I tell you.
RUSSELL: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?
JSP: It's supposed to mean that it's loudmouthed opinionated morons like you that the rest of us are being pigeonholed as elitist. Fuck's sake, man, you wouldn't know a good movie if it ran up behind you and made angry, punishing love to your tender anus, although I imagine you'd be not entirely averse to such a thing. And come on, don't you get tired of listening to that airheaded ditz twitter like she has half a clue?
DEANNA: Now wait a minute, what makes your opinion more valid than --
JSP: For starters, the fact that I heard you pontificating like a retarded monkey earlier over there by the Adam Sandler movies. How fucking avant-garde are you in calling his movies stupid?
DEANNA: Well, they certainly --
JSP: Yes, and you're the first person ever to say so. That's pretty original there, turbo. What do you do for an encore, bash Christians? Perhaps quote a little Monty Python?
RUSSELL: Hmph. Well, WE are going to go see a REAL movie and don't have time to listen to your idiocy.
JSP: You're seeing what? Humor me.
RUSSELL: The English Patient. There's a theater that's...
(JSP stares at them, eyes slitted, looking as though he's ready to murder.)
JSP: Get out.
RUSSELL: You don't work here...
JSP: Get. Out.
(RUSSELL and DEANNA hurriedly leave.)
(CUT to next scene.)