More Fun with Personal Ads

Recently, to alleviate boredom at my job, I took out a personal ad. Now, you're probably wondering why I did this when I have the best girlfriend imaginable. I think you'll catch on upon reading it; it's not so mucgh a personal ad as it is an experiment in psychology, although I have no idea what I am looking for. Mostly I just want to see who will write back. As of October 16th, 2000 at four o'clock in the afternoon, I have received no responses. My personal ad follows.

Describe the type of person you might be interested in meeting (either romantically or platonically). What traits do you find attractive?
I don't know. Any woman that doesn't mind my frequent projectile vomiting and the fact that I cannot count to ten. I can multiply various integers but cannot count to ten.

What personal habits of others really irritate you?
Everything everyone does. Ever. Some days it only really takes waking up to enrage me to the point of slapping random people on the street.

Describe your personality and physique. (Here is a good place to make up for not having a photo on-line or telling things photos can't tell).
I am disgusting in every conceivable way.

Which virtues give you most of your self confidence? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
What gives me most of my self-confidence? Uh...strong drink and being massively deluded, usually.

Where have you met most of your current friends? Describe your social circle of friends.
The only friend I have in the world is a mannequin I found in a dumpster, and I like to take my anger out on him, usually verbally. God, I hate him. But I hate me more.

What is your insight into spirituality, and how do you practice this belief?
Uh.

Do you belong to any organizations, clubs, teams, or special interest groups?
I LIEK FOOD

Favorite pastime? Sport? Hobby? Diversion? Just what goes on Sundays at your place?
I like to drink myself insensate and wander around in the streets, with twigs in my hair, mumbling to myself and clad only in a pair of boxers. I also spend a lot of nights on the rooftop screaming. I wear pants as rarely as possible.

What language(s) do you speak, read or write?
I barely speak English.

If you could 'Do Lunch' with anyone, who would it be?
Michael Berryman.*

If you were to meet someone for the first time, what would be the "perfect" setting?
I think I would arrange to meet them in a fine restaurant, and show up wearing boxers and maybe one boot, stinking drunk and vomiting all over whatever's available. And headbuting the waiter for no real reason.

What is "SEXY"? What do you find "SEXY" in a partner?
uh.

If you could pick one super-human power (such as comic-book characters have) what would you choose?
I would have the ability to...uh...I can't remember the question. I like milk.

Someone may want to say "hello", but not know how to get the ball rolling. Ask a question that someone can answer in their first letter to you.
WHY? WHY GOD WHY?

Any additional comments? Is there anything that the questionnaire didn't cover?
Yes. I am looking for someone who can tolerate the fact that I rarely bathe, spend most of my time drunk out of my skull, and frequently wake up in alleys, covered in blood, with no idea how I got there, only to stagger home to that special someone and fall asleep again before I get the chance to pressure them for sex. As you can see, I'm something of a romantic type, so do write back soon.

*Note to readers: Michael Berryman is a tall, bald creepy fellow who is in science-fiction movies a whole lot. I met him once, but realizing I had nothing to say, just sort of walked away. He has been, I am led to understand, in more B-movies than Roddy Piper.